Guys. I was very deep for my age. (#tbt)

I'm fairly certain this was the correct time frame.

I am in a foul mood. Like a foul, I-hate-everyone-leave-me-alone-or-else-come-at-me-so-I-can-cut-
you foul mood.

It's awesome. I'm 78 percent sure it's from lack of sleep, but still, it's super frustrating because I have Responsibilities and Children and I can't just block everything out with a book on tape and my sewing machine.

Also I sliced open the tip of my right index finger Monday on a mandolin so typing is amazingly awesome. Also - ouch.

So, to cheer me up, I thought I'd read through some of my old journals again and share some especially awe-inspiring and melodramatic entries with you.

You are so very much welcome.  Also - if you have any that you'd like to show me that would make me smile, please do.

As always, most names changed to protect the innocent.

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2-21-94

I feel weird. I say that alot in this journal. I can't even tell Tana how I feel. Sometimes I don't even know. Please help me. I always act happy at school. Today I started crying, not that much, noone could tell. Mrs. Gentry kept saying I was one of the people she had to wait on to sing. She has no right to say that because I always do what she says.

So and so lies to much. I wish she would stop lying to me about everything.

I'm not sure if I want to die anymore. I'm not sure of anything anymore.


.....................................................................................

3-24-94

Music is like Life. When the music stops, so does life.

I hope the music lasts forever.


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3-27-94

I want everyone to get what they want as long as what the want doesn't hurt anyone.


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3-27-94 (Later that night)

I just want to feel loved by a guy. Loved and wanted I don't feel loved or wanted right now.


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9-17-94

You know what? This journal is terrible. All I ever tell you is what I want. But what about what I have? I have a great fried named Maria (Lue), I have a great family. I know that in the past, I've written in here that I have a terrible family, but that's not true. I love my family. Of course we get into fights, every family does.

Maria is the sweetest girl in the world. She's my best friend.

Well, I'm hopelessly in love with a guy named Chorizo (Present-day Jaime says I AM RUNNING OUT OF FAKE NAMES). He's really sweet, and of course he's cute. Ha Ha! The only problem is he's about a head shorter than me! I think he likes me, actually I'm pretty sure he does, I'm just waiting for him to make the first move.

Schools pretty good. I like most of my classes I've got 5th and 7th plus homeroom with Chorizo. Aint that great! But he's a sweetie, and I really like him


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The rest of my journal entries can be found on this page: Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period

A study abroad Halloween

Guys.  I kind of hate everything at the moment.

I have no reason, really, other than just a general, unexplainable discontent.

I hate that I have to cook everyday.  I hate that I have to clean up everyday.  I hate being responsible.  I hate that I have to go to the grocery this afternoon.  I hate that I'm 90 percent sure I was supposed to send in candy with Adele for a school Halloween party but didn't.  I hate that I haven't been sleeping.  And I especially hate that I'm not at home on the couch reading right now.

To make me feel better, please tell me in the comments everything that you currently hate.

Now let's try to emerge from the muck and gloom a bit, shall we?  When I was in Austria (12 years ago, holy hell) the people living in my dorm decided to have a Halloween party.  It was probably the best one I've ever attended, and also the one and only time I fell asleep with my head hanging over the toilet.

The thing about Halloween in Europe was that there wasn't nearly as much candy as now.  It was odd, honestly.  I kept expecting to see bowls of Reese cup ghosts, but instead there were only pretzels.  Sad face.

This entry is probably the longest in the history of ever, if only because I was determined to document everything that I did over there.  For posterity's sake.  And I have added new paragraph spacing that wasn't there before because, well, paragraphs are important.

(Also - these are totally pictures of pictures so excuse the quality...)

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Gloria, me, Mette, Henrik

10/27/02 9:59 p.m.

I drank too much at the party last night & ended up falling asleep with my head over the toilet.  What an interesting story!  It was a Halloween party on the 4th floor & everyone had to dress up.  I was a gypsy.  I actually think I did a pretty good job w/it.  But of course once again I drank too much.  I had 2 glasses of wine, 2 beers, one glass of gin & sprite, one baby tequila shot, and I think that's all.  Oh, I did have a tiny bit of generic baileys.  I shouldn't have mixed everything like that.  But I danced a lot but not as much as before at past parties.  One time I decided to have a glass of wine & a glass of gin to take upstairs with me, but I couldn't walk up the stairs.  My skirt was too long & my hands were full so I couldn't hold it up so I tripped on it & stepped on it & I lost my gin.  But I think that was best.  I didn't need both drinks then.  I ended up putting pants on so that was better.  

Me, Lise

After awhile I got a little bored & decided to go to bed.  I just came down here & talked to Riitta about how crappy we felt.  This was about 4 in the morning I think.  But then all the sudden she leaves & goes to the bathroom in Lisa & Ingrid's kitchen & I decide that I should also go.  I think I was really drunk, but I think I could tell that I was going to be sick.  So I go & kneel in front of the toilet.  After a few minutes I puke a couple times.  I thought I should stay there because I might need to do it again.  So I put the lid down & flush & just lay my head on top.  And I passed out.  I woke up after maybe 30 minutes & peed & went out.  Mark & Denise were sitting there talking & just looked at me like where the fuck did you come from?  I just laughed & waved & said I think I fell asleep.  And then I went to bed.  I took a plastic bag with me just in case.  

Gloria, me, Lise

I woke up this morning around 9:30 or 10 & I had a horrible headache & I couldn't move very well at all.  I was so afraid I would puke.  I kept praying that I would just go back to sleep.  I finally did & woke up around 1 & went to the bathroom & took some aspirin & came & laid back down.  I felt okay after that.  I got back up around 2:30, well really 1:30 because the time changed.  Oh, I also hit my head on my shelf last night & I have a red mark on my forehead.  But today I didn't do much at all.  I did call Chris.  I miss him so very much.  But it won't be very much longer until I go back..  I didn't call my parents because I don't have the money.  My loan hasn't gotten here yet.  But I figured they would call but they didn't.  I wish they would have.  Maybe I'll call them later in the week.  Oh, everyone teased me today about sleeping in the bathroom.  It was funny.  

Back: Anne-Kristina, Ritta, Nicole
Front: me, Mette

Yesterday afternoon, me, Henrik, Riitta, Mark & Farag went to a military show thing.  It was Austria's national day & so lots of military equipment was set up at the Hofburg, I think & we just waked through.  It was actually a little boring, though.  After that we went to the Natural Historical Museum where I saw a bunch of rocks & dead animals.  After that we went to the Kunst historical Museum but I've already been there.  That's where the Ruben paintings are.  Then after that Farag met up with friends & the rest of us went to eat at the place where I ate calf brains a few months ago.  That's not what I had this time, though.  I had rindsrouladen.  It was really good.  We came back & I laid down for a little bit then got ready for the party.  

Ritta, Henrik, me, Vlad

But I guess I should catch up everything.  On Thursday the 24th I had children's lit class.  It was okay.  That night I went to the opera with Riitta & Noora.  Lise, Espen, Ingrid & her boyfriend also went but we didn't go together.  We saw Sparticus the ballet.  It was actually really good.  I didn't even get that tired of standing because we had breaks every 45 min.  But there was a big blue guy with a big blue penis.  It was huge!  But he was only on stage for a few minutes.  But it stood out!  I had a horrible coughing fit during it.  I think it was because there was an old man in front of me who actually smelled like death.  That's all I could think about.  

But there are so many rules there.  We had to check our jackets, which isn't really a problem, but we had to pay for it.  We tried to sneak & not do it but some lady behind us told on us.  Then Ingrid took a picture in the lobby & got into trouble - well just told not to do it anymore.  But it was only in the lobby & not during the performance so I don't understand.  Lise sat on the floor & she had to get up.  The rules didn't make any sense at all.  Oh well.  

On Friday I went to school to check my email then met everyone at the Secession for an exkursion.  It was really boring.  It was interesting to learn about the Klimt fresco but learning about the building was really boring.  I just didn't care too much.  I don't understand the art that's inside it.  It's too abstract for me.  

After that I came back here.  I ended up going to Zielpumkt 3 times.  First I went w/Mark to take back some empty beer bottles & do some shopping.  Well I was going to buy gin but I thought they took credit cards but they didn't so I had to put it back.  But I really want it so Mark & I found some more bottles & went back to Zielpunkt to get the money for the bottles.  It wasn't very much, though.  So we went to the ATM, then cam back & bought the gin.  So 3 times in about 1 hour.  That was funny.  The people must have thought we were crazy.  

Later Henrik, Mark, Riitta & I went to the movies & saw XXX with Vin Diesel.  It was so very bad.  The acting was terrible & it was filled w/one-liners.  But it was so corny that it was funny so we got some enjoyment!  And I think that's about all.

'Let's just say we lost more than we won'

Apparently my body has decided to be an asshole and make me pass out in the shower at the gym.

Okay - I didn't really pass out, but it was only from sheer willpower on my part, and the fact that, as standing up to shower wasn't an option, I compromised by squatting.  And let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've shower-squatted.  Or should it be squat-showered?  Either way - good times.  After I survived that debacle I raced, dripping, to the changing room where I sat down, on account of the darkness rolling in, and begged someone for some food as I just assumed I had low blood sugar.  Thankfully a woman gave me some peanut butter so I was able to eat that (Jif-to-go FTW!) and I felt marginally better.  Still not able to stand for long, but better.  And by the time I left I was able to be upright, though sitting definitely feels much better.  Hooray for sitting!

I'm still fuzzy and still have no idea what happened.  But I'm here.  The running has been going well, actually, except for today.  I can tell a difference and I feel stronger and it's awesome that I can run longer and further than I ever have before.  So hopefully the (almost) passing out is a fluke.

In other depressing news, Adele screamed and screamed when I dropped her off at school this morning.  I was pretty certain it would happen, even though yesterday was so great.  Today, though, she knew what was coming.  She knew enough to be nervous.  I'm still hoping it will be a quick transition.  Though her begging me to take her home - and the fact that the teacher had to pry her off of my let - does not bode well for that.

So, as I am only partially brainful* today let's do another throwback.

10-25-96 (9:00 p.m.) (Fri.)  - 15 years old

Woa, it's been awhile.  Let me see if I can catch you up.  First, I guess, is camp.  I had a blast!  I had roommate issues at first, but with all that aside though, I had fun.  We woke up early & went to 2 different training classes with 2 different coaches - Steve & Paddy.  Paddy, I swear, looked just like George Clooney.  (Modern-day edit - he was also Irish.  SWOON!)  Steve was okay-looking.  They were both big flirts.   After the sessions was lunch & then a game.  Next was supper & then another game.  It was exhausting!  I had a really good time.  I was happy to be going home, but sad to be leaving.

Irish George Clooney.  And a bunch of other people.
Do you recognize yourself?  Also Okay-Looking Steve
 is in the middle of the girls, behind Irish George Clooney.

We had a baby shower for Courtney (my sister) the day after I got home from camp.  I had fun.  Courtney got a lot of nice stuff.  She left soon after that.  It was really sad. 

I guess after that I started soccer practice.  I love soccer!  I had a lot of fun doing that!  I was hoping to lose weight but all I lost was 5 lbs & that was after it was all over.  I probably lost muscle.  Anyway, the Varsity won the District Championship.  The JV didn't do so well.  Lets just say we lost more than we won.  That's okay, though.

School started then.  My teachers are Mrs. Crosslin (Geometry).  (She had Courtney & always asks "now she's expecting isn't she?).  Mr. Shook (World Civ.)  He's nice & I like his class but you never know what chapter you're on.  Mrs. Jones & Mrs. Gentry (chorus) I love to sing!  Mr. Blankenship (Chemistry) I like him alot.  He also had Courtney in class.  For the 1st six wks. I had an 100 in that class!

Well, Courtney had her baby!  It's a boy & his name is Christian Rae Leslie!  He is the cutest thing. I think he looks like me! (Modern-day edit - that cutest thing is now two months away from being 18.  Guess how old that makes me feel!  Also he totally doesn't look like me.)  He was born 10-5-96.  Me & Mom went down on 10-10 & stayed until 10-13.  Christian always has a scowl on his face!

I sang my first solo!  I sang it at the Homecoming Chili supper on 10-18.  I don't think I did so bad.  I was shaking really bad!  I lived though.  The night before I put my hair in little braids for spirit week.  That Thursday was the soccer District Game. 

Well, I guess I've said about all I can say.  I think my pen's running out of ink!

(The rest of the journal entries can be found here: Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period.

*Made it up.  

Where's Berkely?

It's Thursday, and so I am throwing it back again.  

I was 15 and a half when I wrote this, and apparently was dealing with an internal struggle as to whether I wanted to be a well-known actress or stay at home mom.  Only one of those dreams materialized.  I'll let you guess which one.

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Sun. Feb 23, 1997 (8:38 p.m.)

I invented Selfies in my bedroom with a 35mm camera and self timer.
Also I was probably more like 17 here.  Close enough.

I guess it's been a while.  I need to write more!  I think I write that a lot.  Gosh I'm tired.  I watched my cousin on Friday.  She is so much fun!  We read a story and played with Barney.  She was a little sick, so she wasn't as hyper.  On Saturday I went to the Imax & to St. Matthew's mall.  At the IMAX we saw something on special effects.  It was neat, we saw how they blew up the white house in Independence Day.  That would be a neat job.  At the mall me & Marilla walked around.  I love that mall.  It has so much stuff.  We went into this music store.  We were looking through music books & this guy came over & told us that we weren't allowed to.  He said "This is me, I'm the jerk, welcome to jerk express."  I almost busted out laughing.  It was funny.  He was nice about it, though.  I wanted to look to see if I could play the songs.  You know, when I'm around people that I don't go to school with, I'm a whole different person.  I'm more outgoing.  Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's bad.  I don't know.  It's bad, but all I focus on is wanting a boyfriend and losing weight.  I try to stop, but I can't.  I can't wait to go to college.  Sometimes I want to be this adventurous woman who travels all over the world taking pictures, but other times I want to be the kind of woman who stays at home, taking care of kids, sewing, cooking, working on a flower garden.  My mind is just one humongous contradiction.  I wish I knew what I wanted to do.  I wonder what I'm going to be doing at this exact time in 5 yrs, 10 yrs.  

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Mon. March 3, 1997 (6:46 p.m.)

The grass is turning green!  I love it!  Maybe spring will get here afterall!  It doesn't seem like it now, though.  It's been raining a lot.  It rained Friday night, all day Saturday, and today.  they cancelled school today & tomorrow.  This is 'The Flood of '97.'  They've closed off roads.

I want to be famous.  I have this yearning deep inside of me to be something more.  I don't know what.  I guess an actress.  How will I do that?  There's got to be a way!  Maybe after High School I can go to Hollywood.  I could go to college there.  I've got to make it!  I just have to!  I want everyone to know who I am!  Jaime Ritter!  That's me!  I don't know.  Maybe that's not what I want to do.  I could be a singer.  I don't think I'm good enough for that, though.  I just want to be well known.  I want to be recognised as I walk down the street.  I want to have to have bodyguards.  anything is possible, right?  Gosh, where would I go to college?  Where's Berkely?  I think it's in San Francisco.  I've got to go somewhere, get somewhere better than I am.  I know I've got a good life here, but I want something more.  I'm only 15.  I've got time, I think.

(The rest of the journal entries can be found here: Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period.)

'Something in me will die if I don't' (#tbt)

Hey remember when I shared all those old journal entries with you pretty regularly and we all laughed at me and had so much fun but then I just kind of stopped for no real reason and with no explanation?

Wanna pick back up?

Of course you do!

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Wed. April 9, 1997 (5:53 p.m.) (Almost 16 years old)

Courtney left about 10 minutes ago.  I'm going to miss her, but I'm so jealous!  Every time I think of going to visit her in Italy next summer, my stomach knots up.  I'm so afraid I won't be able to go!  I've got to!  I need to see new things!  (Editor's note: Didn't go that summer.  Went in winter of 1998 and it was awesome.)

She came in on Tues. the 25th of March.  Spring Break was the week after that, last week.  We went shopping a lot!  Easter was the Sunday before last.  I wore a purple polyester pant suit.  say that 3 times fast!  (Editor's note No. 2: I loved that pastel suit so very much.  I have since changed my mind.)  Anyway, the first day of break we went to the mall.  (One of my favorite songs is on - Colin Ray, I'm on the Verge.  It's great!) On Tuesday she took me to get my hair trimmed.  Then she went to the tanning bed while I watched Christian.  On Wed. we went to Carnival shoe store.  On Thursday we went to Bacon's.  

Well, I got my schedule filled out.  I got on the annual staff, adn I'm in chorus for both semesters.  At first Mrs. Jones told me there wasn't room for me.  I was upset.  I cried a lot.  The next day though I went up to her and said "How come there isn't room for me when everybody else that's been in chorus before is automatically in it the next year?"  She didn't know what I was talking about, but she finally understood me.  she told me that I was right & she signed my schedule.  I was terrified about going to talk to her, but it was something I had to do.  I'm proud of myself!  It was the first time I had really stood up for myself.  It showed that I could do it.  

My other classes are Anatomy & Physiology, Pre-cal, U.S. History & English III.

Stole this photo from someone's facebook
page. Had crimped hair.  Adored my crimped hair.

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Sun. June 8, 1997 (9:03 p.m.)  (Almost 16!)

I don't think I remember what a cloudless, blue sky looks like.  I don't remember what it's like to go outside and feel a warm breeze rustling my hair.  It's been raining for 18 days, Granny says, but it feels more like 18 weeks.  I don't know if I can survive much more of this.  I haven't been able to do any gardening.  I need to weed.  I'm selling vegetables for money this summer.  It's for my "vacation in Italy" fund.  I have like $114, but I have to get my cat spaid.  I can't wait until I start getting money.  I need guarantee that I'll actually go to Italy.  Something in me will die if I don't.  Maybe that's being dramatic, but I know that it's true.  I keep thinking about where I want to go to college.  There's so much out there, so many different cities, just waiting for me to come and find their true meaning.  Does that make sense?  Oh well, it doesn't matter.  I cut my hair.  It's about an inch below my ear.  Mom & Dad really like it.  I guess everybody else does.

I often find myself feeling for my pulse.  It's like I have to check to see if I'm still breathing, if I'm still alive.  That's a sad thought.

I think the reason I want to go to college so bad is that I won't know most of the people there.  More importantly, though, they won't know me.  I can be different, but the same.  I can experience things.  People won't see me as that girl that's okay, but not really cool.  I want people to respect me, to look up to me.  I still want to be famous.  I want to be an actress really bad.  I don't know how to do that, though.  Dad won't pay anything for me if I go to college in San Francisco.  Maybe I'll get a scholarship.  Maybe.  I'd like to go to New York too.  There's so much out there.  I don't want to end up in Flaherty.  This not where I want to grow old and die.

(The rest of the journal entries are on this page "Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period"

Apparently my 'star' included my children wiping their dirty hands on me as that happens a lot

Well.

Everyone slept all night long and we even had to wake the kids up this morning to get them ready for the day.

Of course, that probably means that Sebastian is now sick as he never ever sleeps late and also he's taken three naps in the past week which is more than he's taken in the past two years.

However, I'm ignoring that and focusing on all the sleeping everyone has slept and how maybe it means that there will be less yelling and throwing of various items.  The verdict is still out on that one as I'm beginning to think that throwing things and yelling is just Adele's way of telling me she loves me.  Or that she's hungry.

But to celebrate the possible, maybe, keeping my fingers crossed end to sickness, I'm sharing more journal entries.

This one is full of angst.  I probably cried while writing it.

(The rest can be found here.  I encourage you to peruse them for maximum, cringe-worthy enjoyment.)

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Sat. March 8, 1997 (5:44 p.m.)  (15 and a half years old)

Maybe my isolation had something to do
with putting my hair in crazy styles to make people
laugh.  Maybe. Although we can all admit that
this style is awesome.  Right?

When I look at pictures of Mom & Dad, Me & Courtney, from a long time ago, I don't think of them as they are.  They aren't the same as we are now.  They are them, we are us.  Mom & Dad are from a totally different era.  They believed in things.  I like the "them."  But they're probably the same people.  The pictures only tell part of the story.  I perceive them the way I want to, not the way they really are.  I want to grow up.  I want to be out of High School & on my own.  I know everybody says not to wish your life away, that you'll be wishing to have your life back or something like that.  I don't see it.  Life is dull now.  Nothing happens & there's nothing to do.  I can't make anything happen.  Something has to change.  Something is out there waiting for me.  My star is up in the sky, out of my reach for now.  But some day, that star will be mine & all will be right.  I will finally be satisfied.  My wanting for something more will come to a close.  Happiness will be mine.

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Mon. March 10, 1997 (6:00 p.m.)

I don't belong.  I never have and I never will.  Spring soccer started on Saturday.  I had no idea.  I hate it!  Somebody called Eden & told her about it.  I didn't eve no, nobody called me!  It totally pissed me off!  If I start now, I'll be behind.  I don't want to be behind.  It's just one more way for me not to fit in.  Why don't I fit in?  What is it about me that is so different?  Well I am different from everybody.  That's a good thing.  But now I am excluded from things.  Do people just not like me?  Am I strange in such a way that I am shunned by people?  Why is that?  I hate this town.  I don't fit in.  I am different from everybody else.

I still change my mind 1nc a month about the boys I like

As it is now the week of Thanksgiving and my brain is occupied with daydreaming about my dad's stuffing and my mom's pecan pie, formulating thoughts aren't happening so well.  Kind of like that last sentence that doesn't even make sense to me and I just wrote it.

Or maybe I'm a bit scatterbrained because my children have reset my internal alarm clock for 4 a.m. and so I am currently passive aggressively yelling at them in my mind while simultaneously sleeping in my mind and I don't have much else room for making sentences that are coherent and/or entertaining.

(Or I could just stop making excuses and right something that was worth a shit anymore.  Either way ...)

So let's make fun of me some more, shall we?  We haven't had a journal entry in awhile, and I think it's about time. 

(The rest of my lovely, embarrassing journal entries can be found here.)

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8-14-93 (12 years old)

I think I should start writing in this journal some more.  I hardly ever do.  I guess its just hard for me to put my feelings into words.  (Oh the MELODRAMA!)

I really like Beacon.  I think I change my mind about 1nc a month about the guys I like.  But I think I might like Beacon for awhile.  I think he might like me.  Before school got out he kinda flirted with me.  If he does like me he's afraid to show it because I'm not in the "in" crowd or because Humperdink doesn't like me or something like that.

I can't wait for school to start.  I'm kinda nervous to because I won't know most of the people there & I don't think I'll know what to do.  We start school on Aug. 30.  I haven't even gone school shopping yet. 

Last night I dreamed that I was pregnant & I kept trying to hide it.  I was pretty big.  The funny thing is no one seemed to notice I was pregnant.

We mesh well, you know? He’s a part of me.

Please to be enjoying this scanned photo of a
scanned photo.  It's the first one ever taken of us. 
I used a self timer.

I was busy today, which in all honesty doesn’t happen that much.  Usually I’m begging (in my mind) for someone, anyone to come and speak adult talk to me or say something interesting, so I can say something interesting back.

Although, at this point, when someone says something interesting to me I return with “My kid ate broccoli today!”

I’m a confined, stay-at-home mother, is what I’m saying.

But anyway, today I had not one, but two visitors!  My friend Laura, who lives about 30 minutes away, had to take her daughter to the doctor and so decided to come and visit beforehand, then decided to come back after, too.  It was a fantastic visit.  Sebastian had a blast with ‘My best friend, Kaylin!” and I had a blast with Kaylin’s mama.  Adele was only a little mean, then she took a nap and so wasn’t there to smack anyone in the face anymore, or bop her brother on the arm with a little metal play pan.

(I’m still hoping that she’ll outgrow this stage soon.)

But in the middle of this visit, my mom also came over.  She hardly ever makes it this way, mostly because she works about 150 hours a week at work, then comes home and volunteers for all sorts of church-related stuff.  Also, she’s making my cousin’s fiancé’s wedding dress, which is why she was in the neighborhood.  She needed sewing supplies.

Since my mom is off all this week, she’s taking us and my nieces and nephew to the zoo tomorrow, which should be especially exciting since they have a dinosaur exhibit and Sebastian is currently obsessed with them.  That is, of course, when he’s not obsessed with his NEW! BATMAN! UNDERWEAR!  He’s easy to please, at least.

But, as it’s April, I thought we were ready for another one of my journal entries.  And I have a special treat for you.  Yes, you get a glimpse into how Christopher and I met.  This is the first time he’s ever mentioned in my journal and you are welcome.  And even though this one is a little more recent, it is no less embarrassing.  Actually, I think it might be more embarrassing.  Yes.  Definitely more.  Also, I hope you enjoy the one, continuous paragraph.  It makes reading easier, no?  It takes care of those pesky pauses and changes of thought, or whatever.

(Here’s the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth, if you are so inclined.  At some point I will try to figure out a way to put a category on my sidebar to make it a little easier to scroll through, but I am computer illiterate and that may never happen.)

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7/8/99 (12:09 a.m.)  (Two days away from my 18th birthday!)

I just had one of the worst days of my life.  I got called into work 4 hours early, so I worked 12-9 bagging.  (Present-day Jaime says I worked at a small grocery store called IGA.  It was fun, until it wasn’t.)  I’ve been working so much, and so hard lately, that I’m exhausted.  Anyway, I had to put out frozen backstock & I knocked over a big metal shelf-like thing full of ice trying to get to the backstock.  Then I had to face frozen & dairy so my hands were numb.  Then I got hit on twice by one guy who was high or drunk & by another one who thinks I have a body that won’t quict.  What the hell does that mean, anyway?  Then I ripped a huge hole in my jeans from waist to mid-thigh, so my ass was hanging out for everyone to see.  Fun, Fun, Fun.  I really hate work now.  I’m never in a good mood there.  I’m tired.  I’m in love, though.  Where did that come from?  I don’t know, I just want to write about him.  His name is Chris Thomas (Name not changed because he is far from innocent!).  We mesh well, you know?  We go good together.  Let me explain.  He saw me playing guitar at the Town by the River festival.  He thought I was interesting, & he watched me.  This was in late August or early September.  Anyway, He kind of had a crush on me.  I didn’t know anything about it.  It wasn’t like he was focused completely on me, though.  Then for Valentines day the whole school took a quiz to see who you were most compatable with, and he was first on my list.  I was like second or third on his list.  (See how nonchalantly I put that in there?  And did not include my burning jealousy at whoever was top on his list?  It shows I lied to my journal just as much as I lied to myself.)  We sat beside each other at this Army band concert @ school.  Actually his best friend Karsten (Also not an alias.  Also not innocent.) made him sit there because of his crush.  That same day he came into IGA & walked in, walked around, then left. He said he was going to strike up a conversation & ask me for my number, but he had only brought a dollar with him.  His friend Jeff Higgs (Not alias. Not innocent.)  saw me at work & told Chris where it was.  Then I found out he liked me.  I got very 7th gradish.  He had Mr. Reynolds for second block, so I would go in there to “work.”  It was stuff I needed to get done, but it got done a lot sooner than it normally would have.  I kept calling myself a stalker & laughing @ myself for it.  Everybody teased me.  Finally I got up the courage to talk to him.  Actually, Tawny made me.  She gave me the idea to find his fourth block class & talk to him.  And so I did.  I love Annual Staff!  I just went to the office & said I needed to find a student & they gave me his class.  I told his teacher I needed to see him for Annual Staff.  The first thing he said to me was “Are you stalking me?”  I was so nervous, my legs were shaking!  I told him that I had heard he was interested in me, then I got interested & if he still was did he want my number?  He did.  His hands wer shaking!  I talked to him on a Monday, then the Tuesday of the next week he asked me out.  It was March 16.  We’ve been together almost 4 months.  I love him so much, I just don’t think I can describe it.  He’s a part of me.   

At this point it’s hard to tell who I was more into: Humperdink or Jag

I don’t even know what to say anymore.  After flu, and then more flu, and then possibly more flu, I took Adele in for her 18 month check up today and oh by the way, SHE HAS STREP THROAT.

(She’s crazy tall, too, and at 23 month development but still has a tiny head that will probably plague her for the rest of her life, in case you were wondering.)  (Back to complaining now.)

So, here we are.  She had a fever over the weekend but I just attributed it to the flu, and that may have been what was wrong, but I didn’t take her to the doctor because there’s not much they can do, and Sebastian recovered so quickly I didn’t see the point, especially since I was taking her today anyway.

So we got another antibiotic and another bottle of wine.  This time it was a bigger bottle.  You know, I really wouldn’t buy this much wine if the children would stop getting sick.  It’s just that I go to the pharmacy and the wine is just sitting there, calling out to me.  I am too weak to deny it.

Also my air conditioner isn’t working and it’s supposed to be almost 90 degrees today.

So since I am immersed in a hot, sick house with little energy to put up the clean laundry, let alone form rational, complete sentences, let’s read some more from my journal, shall we? 

Here’s the first one.  Second.  Third.  Fourth.  And Fifth.

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Wednesday, January 22, 1992 (10 and a half years old)

I hate Humperdink.  He is so mean.  Me and Tallullah hit him on his back.  I’m thinking about starting a club.  I think the rules should be: We have to wear a certain color clothes each day, we have to have a notebook that has the boys we like first to last.  I love Jag so much.  I don’t think he likes me.

And the following day:

Thursday, January 23, 1992

I love Jag.  I’m writing a book for the young authors books.  I hope I win.  I think I might.  I want to live in a beachhouse and marry Jag and have some kids.  I want to be a Pediatrition.  I really, really, really like him.  I love kids especially newborns.  I want to have two kids.

The next week:

Monday, January 27, 1992

I absolutely hate Humperdink, but I love Jag, he is so cute.  Today he came to school wearing shorts and a short sleeved shirt.  Mrs. Jones got mad at a boy who said ‘oh shit’ in the bathroom.  She was in a happy mood until then.

(Present-day Jaime is still traumatized by hearing the teacher yell “I’LL TEAR YOU UP!” to the boy who said ‘oh shit’ in the bathroom.)

The next day:

Tuesday, January 28, 1992

Today was bad.  I am sick of Humperdink.  I want to move.  I love Jag.  All Tallullah says I think is not true.  She writes a not saying its from her boyfriend.  She says she frenched him and she said she got drunk while she was at her dads.  I think it is a bunch of bullshit.  I love Jag 4-ever in a wonderful life and after amen.  I love him very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very much.

Happy Spring!