'Something in me will die if I don't' (#tbt)

Hey remember when I shared all those old journal entries with you pretty regularly and we all laughed at me and had so much fun but then I just kind of stopped for no real reason and with no explanation?

Wanna pick back up?

Of course you do!

............................................................................................................................................

Wed. April 9, 1997 (5:53 p.m.) (Almost 16 years old)

Courtney left about 10 minutes ago.  I'm going to miss her, but I'm so jealous!  Every time I think of going to visit her in Italy next summer, my stomach knots up.  I'm so afraid I won't be able to go!  I've got to!  I need to see new things!  (Editor's note: Didn't go that summer.  Went in winter of 1998 and it was awesome.)

She came in on Tues. the 25th of March.  Spring Break was the week after that, last week.  We went shopping a lot!  Easter was the Sunday before last.  I wore a purple polyester pant suit.  say that 3 times fast!  (Editor's note No. 2: I loved that pastel suit so very much.  I have since changed my mind.)  Anyway, the first day of break we went to the mall.  (One of my favorite songs is on - Colin Ray, I'm on the Verge.  It's great!) On Tuesday she took me to get my hair trimmed.  Then she went to the tanning bed while I watched Christian.  On Wed. we went to Carnival shoe store.  On Thursday we went to Bacon's.  

Well, I got my schedule filled out.  I got on the annual staff, adn I'm in chorus for both semesters.  At first Mrs. Jones told me there wasn't room for me.  I was upset.  I cried a lot.  The next day though I went up to her and said "How come there isn't room for me when everybody else that's been in chorus before is automatically in it the next year?"  She didn't know what I was talking about, but she finally understood me.  she told me that I was right & she signed my schedule.  I was terrified about going to talk to her, but it was something I had to do.  I'm proud of myself!  It was the first time I had really stood up for myself.  It showed that I could do it.  

My other classes are Anatomy & Physiology, Pre-cal, U.S. History & English III.

Stole this photo from someone's facebook
page. Had crimped hair.  Adored my crimped hair.

................................................................................................................................

Sun. June 8, 1997 (9:03 p.m.)  (Almost 16!)

I don't think I remember what a cloudless, blue sky looks like.  I don't remember what it's like to go outside and feel a warm breeze rustling my hair.  It's been raining for 18 days, Granny says, but it feels more like 18 weeks.  I don't know if I can survive much more of this.  I haven't been able to do any gardening.  I need to weed.  I'm selling vegetables for money this summer.  It's for my "vacation in Italy" fund.  I have like $114, but I have to get my cat spaid.  I can't wait until I start getting money.  I need guarantee that I'll actually go to Italy.  Something in me will die if I don't.  Maybe that's being dramatic, but I know that it's true.  I keep thinking about where I want to go to college.  There's so much out there, so many different cities, just waiting for me to come and find their true meaning.  Does that make sense?  Oh well, it doesn't matter.  I cut my hair.  It's about an inch below my ear.  Mom & Dad really like it.  I guess everybody else does.

I often find myself feeling for my pulse.  It's like I have to check to see if I'm still breathing, if I'm still alive.  That's a sad thought.

I think the reason I want to go to college so bad is that I won't know most of the people there.  More importantly, though, they won't know me.  I can be different, but the same.  I can experience things.  People won't see me as that girl that's okay, but not really cool.  I want people to respect me, to look up to me.  I still want to be famous.  I want to be an actress really bad.  I don't know how to do that, though.  Dad won't pay anything for me if I go to college in San Francisco.  Maybe I'll get a scholarship.  Maybe.  I'd like to go to New York too.  There's so much out there.  I don't want to end up in Flaherty.  This not where I want to grow old and die.

(The rest of the journal entries are on this page "Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period"