Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm going to go lay down on the couch and watch trash tv now

Oh hello.  How is your day going?  

 If you’re anything like me it started sometime around 1 a.m. when your bladder decided that it was pissed (see what I did there? Funny, right?  Right?) at you for drinking that vodka you mixed with your children’s juice box and that artificially sweetened light juice drink that your husband bought by mistake because it was all that you had to mix with vodka and you kind of really wanted the vodka to force away all of the sounds of your children screaming that you were made to endure throughout the whole day and so you had to pee so bad that while normally you’d just hold it because you are lazy in the middle of the night, there was no chance of that happening at this time.

And then the tornado warning alarm siren goes off at 4, once you’ve finally gotten to sleep of course, and it wakes you from a dream you had where you were in the grocery store buying that juice that you loved, plum and pomegranate if you must know, that you had previously mixed with apple vodka with ridiculously amazing results.

And then the tornado text message comes.

So you shove your husband awake and let him know that all this is happening, leaving out the juice dream because you really don’t want to make him feel bad because he was the one who bought the wrong juice at the store instead of the heavenly juice that pairs so well with vodka.

You ask if you should really get the kids because you are almost positive that this is a silly non-tornado tornado warning, because obviously you are an expert in predicting severe weather patterns because you did take that meteorology class that one semester in college to fulfill a science requirement and because all of your friends were taking it as well.

You hope he’ll say we should just stay here because it’s a non-tornado tornado warning, but alas he is the responsible one and gets the kids up out of bed while you put on a sweater and slippers and grab blankets and pillows to add to the pallet he had already made the night before in the cold, concrete basement because we at least had some sort of warning that at 4 in the morning we would have a tornado warning.

And while your daughter kind of lays around, exhausted because it is 4 in the morning and she hasn’t slept right all week, your son is too excited to be in the basement for a non-tornado tornado warning and so jumps around and won’t stop talking and basically keeps everybody else up.

And then 20 minutes later we pack up and go back upstairs and Sebastian goes back to bed but is still too excited and so does some form of acrobatics in his room, judging by the sounds that echo throughout your house.  And after attempting unsuccessfully to put your daughter back in her bed, which ended in more screaming, you give up and put her in your bed, where you both lay there until approximately 6:10 a.m. when you both fall asleep, only to be awakened at 6:35 by Sebastian, who has come downstairs because his clock told him it was time.

And after getting everyone ready and dropped off to school and work, you come back home with Adele, who proceeds to let you know, in the form of physical violence to include biting and sippy cup and diaper flinging and more screaming, that she is most irritated at being woken up at 4 in the morning for a non-tornado tornado warning.

She’s asleep now.

The other one is supposed to be sleeping but isn’t.  In fact he just came downstairs to tell me that his energy is all charged up now and so he doesn’t currently require a nap. 

I sent him back upstairs growling and whining and probably attempting to wake up his sister to exact some form of revenge on me for making him take a nap.

So is it like that?  Is that how your day is going?

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