Nobody steal my True Detective romantic comedy idea

So I had this dream last night.

I know, I know. Dreams are ultimate blog no-nos (though really, why? Brains are all kinds of messed up and it's neat to see what they come up with when we're not looking.)

Dream blog posts after a loooooooooong blogging absence are especially bad I'm told.*

But I can't help it. I have to share. I've been dosing myself with expired codeine cough syrup on account of all the coughing I do once I try to sleep. And by 'dosing' I mean following the directions specifically because I am terrified of imaginary authority figures who already are disappointed at me for using expired cough syrup.

I don't think the cough syrup is responsible for my dream, but it might be, is what I'm saying.

The dream was a cross between The Mindy Project and True Detective, which as an obvious path to travel if you're my subconscious on cough syrup.

I wasn't actually involved in the story, just watching like it was a television show, which means maybe I watch too much tv? (I don't. I really don't. I wish I had more time because there are entirely too many shows I want to watch. Outlander, Orphan Black I'm looking at you.)

So Mindy was dating Colin Farrell - who was a tough, sort-of-dirty cop but really wanted to be a good guy (maybe like the character he played in True Detective - the season with all the characters whose names I couldn't remember.)

The porn 'stache of my dreams, apparently.

Colin killed a really bad guy who had zero chance of being arrested (kinda like Dexter, but in a less creepy, serial killer way.) After killing said bad guy, he took a ring from him, then went to Mindy and asked her to marry him using the ring. She said yes and was super thrilled because FINALLY HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

The next morning cops showed up, asking about the dead guy. Colin was all set to get away with killing him, but Mindy started talking about how awesome Colin was, and how he'd just proposed. She showed them the ring. They arrested Colin. And it was very noir-like and dramatic, but also still silly because ROMANTIC COMEDY. Mindy is just so unlucky in love! Haha! Something is always in the way of her finding true love! Total slapstick, amirite?

So maybe the cough syrup worked? I mean, I still coughed but was distracted by the dream. So maybe it's a metaphysical remedy?

In other news, here's a picture of me wearing red lipstick.

I took some photos of myself (the cool people call those 'selfies') because I was procrastinating on my to-do list. Who wants to write web site copy when you can take a fake-smiling photo of yourself sans all makeup but bright red lipstick? (Me. I do. It's a fantastic job that I want to keep.) Plus it was new lipstick and I couldn't tell if I liked it or not.

I do like it. The end.

(I apologize for this post. I have no excuse.)

*Google told me one time.

I have already wasted too much time discussing and thinking about Gilmore Girls

Not my photo, in case you were confused.

So I've been re-watching Gilmore Girls.

I know, I know.  Apparently I'm going through a crises wherein I try to relive my youth.  I first watched the show almost 10 years ago when my then-boyfriend, now-husband left me for the three months before our wedding to artificially impregnate salmon on a remote island in Alaska.  And then again for three months after our wedding.

I had some free time, is what I'm saying.

I borrowed the DVDs from my friend who had all but the second-to-last season, which I still haven't seen.  (I'm working up to it.)

I binge-watched them, obviously, spending hours watching and wishing I lived in Stars Hollow and worked at an inn and read even more books than I already did.

A lot has changed in my life in the last 10 years.  I got married, my husband returned from Alaska, we moved back home-ish, We became parents and then had another kid and I finally, sort of, started feeling like I had my stuff together as a Real Live Adult.

This is my frame of reference as I go through this saga one more time.

And you know what I've discovered?  Those two women are completely immature.  They have no idea how to be adults at all, even Rory.  They whine and are petty and lie about stupid things and GROW UP ALREADY.

But actually, that's what makes me like the show more, in a way.  It's realistic that someone who had a baby at 16 might not be the most mature and stable of adults.  Obviously that's not the case with everyone.  I know people who became parents young who are way more of an adult than people who started much later.

My point is, though, that it's believable that Lorelei would have made her daughter more of a friend than a daughter.  It makes sense that she took on that role and still acts like she's 16 because she never got to be a teenager and because she and Rory basically grew up together.

That being said, as someone who comes from a long line of women who value hard work and doing things for yourself and dear lord, don't ever scream when you see a mouse because that's just wimpy, the fact that Lorelei can't seem to do ANYTHING house-related makes me question how she ever survived life as long as she has.

And every time she whines to Luke about a broken window or roof problem or whatever makes me want to smack her and smack him, too.

Dude.  Cook a meal for yourself.  Clean your own gutters.  Do something other than watch tv and drink coffee!

And now I will excuse myself because apparently I've devoted entirely too much time and energy into analyzing Gilmore Girls.

Aaaaaaannnnddd I just found an old Myspace blog I wrote during the very last season of the show.  I cursed a lot more then.  Also I'm beginning to question whether I even enjoy this show at all or just enjoy torturing myself.

Please to be enjoying:

A blog-topic interlude to discuss the shit that is Gilmore Girls

11/29/2006 2:40:00 PM

11/29/2006 1:35:00 PM

I apologize ahead of time for this.  It's embarrassing to admit that I focus so much energy and thought onto this.  Please don't judge me!!! I do not like the Gilmore Girls, yet I will watch it.  I don't want to admit that it is complete crap this season and I will go down with its ship!  The show has gone completely and utterly off-track and I just don't understand.  Now granted, I hadn't seen but one or two before this past summer but I made up for lost time as I watched the first five seasons on DVD (thanks Lauren!).  So now I am an expert!  And the show has gone to shit.  Let me tell you why! 1.  Fucking Lorelei and Christopher.    ---Seriously?  Now they put Lorelei and Christopher together?  It's like the writers have been taken over by the super conservative crazies who believe that just because they procreated together they should be married, despite the fact that he's a big choad.  And oh yes, he is the choadiest of the choads.  I mean, who stops a knit-a-thon?  It's an A-thon!  It's not supposed to stop until the Thon is A-over!  He's been such an ass to the lady but that's all forgiven and la-la-la let's get married and live happily ever after!  2.  Luke and Lorelei ---They belong together.  I don't care that she's married and stupid.  The past 6 seasons have been about the tension between them because he is so very in love with him and she is completely oblivious.  Then they were together and all was right with the show, but of course there are supposed to be "obstacles" that get in the way, but it's supposed to turn out right in the end.  Do you remember Ross and Rachel?  That's just the way it goes!  And I can't suddenly turn that off and be happy about the Choad marriage.  Because if the writers wanted L&L to get back together, they would create some thick tension between Lorelei & Chris.  But I haven't seen it. 3.  Luke's hat ---Why in the world do they think that it's okay to keep him in the exact same costume for seven straight seasons?  Jeans?  check.  Flannel shirt?  check.  Backwards hat that looks really, really stupid and makes me want to rip it off his head and smack the costume design people with it?  Check!! 4.  I really don't feel like making lists anymore so I will just randomly complain.  I don't like Rory's boyfriend.  Where are all the dark and brooding boyfriends, like Jess?  I think she's probably supposed to end up with Jess.  Or even Marty!  He's dark and brooding!  The blond guy (what's his name?)  is just annoyingly rich and suave and I want to throw things at his head.  It's kind of funny that both Lorelei and Rory fought that whole elitist bullshit and are now wrapped all up in it.  I miss the poor Gilmore Girls!  And I miss the town!  They were so much fun!  There was a little bit of it last night but not nearly enough!  Is that enough?  What do you think about it?  Am I silly?  Do I need to just get a life?  Probably.  Okay.  Am done now.

Motherhood and More: Screen time piles on guilt*

I feel like a failure as a mother.

I mean, that’s really nothing new at this point. But specifically, now, I feel like a failure as a mother because I allow my son to spend entirely too much time parked in front of a screen.

As many mothers do, when I first found out I was going to have a baby I spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of mother I would be. And I settled on the cloth diaper-using, breast-feeding, no-television-watching hipster mom who would eschew any form of cartoon-character marketing on principle alone.

I know. I want to slap me, too.

And I did OK for awhile. I nursed both my kids for 13 months, and we did use cloth diapers, but supplemented with disposable. I made a lot of my own baby food.

But where I ran into trouble was the television.

I tried. I really did. But when my toddler son sat still for the first time and watched a program, it was like I’d been given 15 minutes of freedom that I hadn’t had before.

We started with public television. Because it’s public television — it has to be educational and hipster-approved, right? “Thomas the Tank Engine” led to “Barney,” which led to “Dora the Explorer,” which led to “Wonder Pets,” which for some reason led to any and all “fighting shows,” as my son calls them.

I honestly don’t know how it happened. One minute we’re learning about dinosaurs on “Dinosaur Train,” and the next I’m running to the television to turn off a Batman cartoon that shows Bruce Wayne losing his parents. All the sudden my son is too big for the nice, educational shows, and the only thing that piques his interest includes light sabers and/or the good guys fighting the villains.

And here’s where I show even more of my failure at parenting and tell you that I don’t preview everything my kid watches. It’s just, I don’t think I can sit through another “Ninjago” episode without smashing my head into a wall, you know?

So my own personal mothering rules have relaxed considerably over the last five years. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty about it. I think about whether I’m permanently scarring him by exposing him to so much non-educational screen time.

But then I think about me.

I watched “Jaws 3” when I was a few years older than my son is now. I mean, sure, I had some nightmares and have a horrific fear of the ocean and all the teaming masses of killer fish that are swimming along, just waiting for my shadow to cross their paths so they can bite off my leg.

But am I affected, really? Has watching that damaged my psyche irrevocably? I mean other than my inability to swim in a pool without convincing myself that a shark is chasing me, of course.

And so I allow my son to watch shows that sometimes give me a twinge of doubt. I do try to force some educational programs on him occasionally, and he still likes “Wonder Pets,” though he won’t actually admit it, but will sit and watch it whenever his sister does.

But the epic battle of good versus evil is what occupies his mind these days.

But there could be worse obsessions than “Star Wars,” right?

*This column originally published in The News-Enterprise on May 22, 2013.  

Sons of Anarchy ... you're kind of an asshole

Well.  So I finally watched last week's Sons of Anarchy.

All I have to say is damn.  Didn't see that one coming.

Poor Opie.

(Now who will I fantasize about?)

He lost me after the prison toilet

There’s this show that comes on sometimes during the kids’ naptime called ‘Prison Wives.’  It’s on the Oprah Winfrey Network, so you expect it to be classy, I guess.  (Anybody else irritated that she has her own network?  And that it’s called ‘OWN’?  And that she puts her ‘own’ photo on the cover of her magazine each month?  Just me?  Okay.  Moving on.)

The premise, in case you can’t figure it out from the title, is women who have married men in prison, either before or after then went there.  It shows their lives now, which mostly seems to be spent finding ways to visit their husbands or trying to get their ‘wrongly convicted’ husbands out of jail.

Don’t ask me why I watch it.  I’ll watch pretty much anything.  Except shark shows.

So yesterday they had a man who was married to a woman who was in prison for life, no parole, because she was part of a shooting/dismemberment/crazy murder.  The man, her husband, was older and married to someone else when he started writing her (she put an ad online, naturally).  Apparently she was just too irresistible and so he divorced his wife and moved from Seattle to Tennessee to be close to prison lady.

Now, all throughout this he actually seemed normal and sane.  He was a retired pilot who liked to canoe, had a ‘good Catholic faith,’ and just seemed to truly be in love.

But then they showed the creepy mannequin.  In a wedding dress.  Set up in front of the window of his house facing the street. 

He just wanted a female presence in the house.

And then.  AND THEN, toward the end of the show, so close to it that they kind of glossed over it, they showed his bedroom.  And his shiny, metal, working prison toilet that he bought just so he could feel close to his wife.

So now I think that his wife, the one in jail for helping dismember a 19-year-old kid, might be just a little bit more in possession of her senses.  Not by much though.

I think I might stick to HGTV from now on.