Sometimes I'm a shit mom
I'm a shit mom who wants to be alone.
I'm a shit mom who yells at her kids because they stand by her whining to get attention.
I'm a shit mom because I don't have the energy to give them the attention they need.
Sometimes I'm a shit mom because I resent the fact that they are always, always needing me. Always clinging. Always there.
I'm a shit mom because sometimes I pretend like I don't hear them when they yell at me from another room.
I'm a shit mom because I park them in front of a screen to lock myself in my bedroom and cry.
Sometimes I'm a shit mom because I do not do fun things.
I never know what is going to make me feel this way. Was it the fact that Adele got in our bed again last night and I lost sleep?
Is it that something in me desperately requires alone time and when I don't have it I lash out at those I love the most?
Snow days are hard, man. I'm not a 'play in the snow' person anymore and applying layers upon layers upon layers to children who will only stay outside for 15 minutes is discouraging and exhausting. And at this point I think we're all a bit tired of the magic of the winter wonderland outside the door.
I'm having a heard time coming up with things to do with the kids, and by the time I see that they are desperate for activity and attention, they're also already really irritated and bored and lashing out by smacking each other and also the whining starts which makes my yelling start because holy hell STOP WHINING. STOP FIGHTING.
And then they are sent to their rooms, which involves more yelling because "please go to your room" never works but counting down very loudly does even if they scream at me as they're stomping upstairs and slam their bedroom doors so hard that pictures fall off walls.
We're working through, I guess. It's an all-day spiral of me attempting to be a pinterest parent and them being frustrating and lashing out, then I lash out, then everyone is in a funk of bullshit.
And then it starts over. We can always start over. Over and over and over again I will try not to be the shit mom. I will try not to yell and I will try not to let them know when they are driving me crazy and I will try to play more and laugh more and lose the giant cloud of irritation that is hanging over me.
I will try not to be so stuck in my own head that I can't see when they need me.
I will start over.
We will start over.