Guys. I was very deep for my age. (#tbt)

I'm fairly certain this was the correct time frame.

I am in a foul mood. Like a foul, I-hate-everyone-leave-me-alone-or-else-come-at-me-so-I-can-cut-
you foul mood.

It's awesome. I'm 78 percent sure it's from lack of sleep, but still, it's super frustrating because I have Responsibilities and Children and I can't just block everything out with a book on tape and my sewing machine.

Also I sliced open the tip of my right index finger Monday on a mandolin so typing is amazingly awesome. Also - ouch.

So, to cheer me up, I thought I'd read through some of my old journals again and share some especially awe-inspiring and melodramatic entries with you.

You are so very much welcome.  Also - if you have any that you'd like to show me that would make me smile, please do.

As always, most names changed to protect the innocent.

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2-21-94

I feel weird. I say that alot in this journal. I can't even tell Tana how I feel. Sometimes I don't even know. Please help me. I always act happy at school. Today I started crying, not that much, noone could tell. Mrs. Gentry kept saying I was one of the people she had to wait on to sing. She has no right to say that because I always do what she says.

So and so lies to much. I wish she would stop lying to me about everything.

I'm not sure if I want to die anymore. I'm not sure of anything anymore.


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3-24-94

Music is like Life. When the music stops, so does life.

I hope the music lasts forever.


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3-27-94

I want everyone to get what they want as long as what the want doesn't hurt anyone.


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3-27-94 (Later that night)

I just want to feel loved by a guy. Loved and wanted I don't feel loved or wanted right now.


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9-17-94

You know what? This journal is terrible. All I ever tell you is what I want. But what about what I have? I have a great fried named Maria (Lue), I have a great family. I know that in the past, I've written in here that I have a terrible family, but that's not true. I love my family. Of course we get into fights, every family does.

Maria is the sweetest girl in the world. She's my best friend.

Well, I'm hopelessly in love with a guy named Chorizo (Present-day Jaime says I AM RUNNING OUT OF FAKE NAMES). He's really sweet, and of course he's cute. Ha Ha! The only problem is he's about a head shorter than me! I think he likes me, actually I'm pretty sure he does, I'm just waiting for him to make the first move.

Schools pretty good. I like most of my classes I've got 5th and 7th plus homeroom with Chorizo. Aint that great! But he's a sweetie, and I really like him


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The rest of my journal entries can be found on this page: Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period

'Let's just say we lost more than we won'

Apparently my body has decided to be an asshole and make me pass out in the shower at the gym.

Okay - I didn't really pass out, but it was only from sheer willpower on my part, and the fact that, as standing up to shower wasn't an option, I compromised by squatting.  And let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've shower-squatted.  Or should it be squat-showered?  Either way - good times.  After I survived that debacle I raced, dripping, to the changing room where I sat down, on account of the darkness rolling in, and begged someone for some food as I just assumed I had low blood sugar.  Thankfully a woman gave me some peanut butter so I was able to eat that (Jif-to-go FTW!) and I felt marginally better.  Still not able to stand for long, but better.  And by the time I left I was able to be upright, though sitting definitely feels much better.  Hooray for sitting!

I'm still fuzzy and still have no idea what happened.  But I'm here.  The running has been going well, actually, except for today.  I can tell a difference and I feel stronger and it's awesome that I can run longer and further than I ever have before.  So hopefully the (almost) passing out is a fluke.

In other depressing news, Adele screamed and screamed when I dropped her off at school this morning.  I was pretty certain it would happen, even though yesterday was so great.  Today, though, she knew what was coming.  She knew enough to be nervous.  I'm still hoping it will be a quick transition.  Though her begging me to take her home - and the fact that the teacher had to pry her off of my let - does not bode well for that.

So, as I am only partially brainful* today let's do another throwback.

10-25-96 (9:00 p.m.) (Fri.)  - 15 years old

Woa, it's been awhile.  Let me see if I can catch you up.  First, I guess, is camp.  I had a blast!  I had roommate issues at first, but with all that aside though, I had fun.  We woke up early & went to 2 different training classes with 2 different coaches - Steve & Paddy.  Paddy, I swear, looked just like George Clooney.  (Modern-day edit - he was also Irish.  SWOON!)  Steve was okay-looking.  They were both big flirts.   After the sessions was lunch & then a game.  Next was supper & then another game.  It was exhausting!  I had a really good time.  I was happy to be going home, but sad to be leaving.

Irish George Clooney.  And a bunch of other people.
Do you recognize yourself?  Also Okay-Looking Steve
 is in the middle of the girls, behind Irish George Clooney.

We had a baby shower for Courtney (my sister) the day after I got home from camp.  I had fun.  Courtney got a lot of nice stuff.  She left soon after that.  It was really sad. 

I guess after that I started soccer practice.  I love soccer!  I had a lot of fun doing that!  I was hoping to lose weight but all I lost was 5 lbs & that was after it was all over.  I probably lost muscle.  Anyway, the Varsity won the District Championship.  The JV didn't do so well.  Lets just say we lost more than we won.  That's okay, though.

School started then.  My teachers are Mrs. Crosslin (Geometry).  (She had Courtney & always asks "now she's expecting isn't she?).  Mr. Shook (World Civ.)  He's nice & I like his class but you never know what chapter you're on.  Mrs. Jones & Mrs. Gentry (chorus) I love to sing!  Mr. Blankenship (Chemistry) I like him alot.  He also had Courtney in class.  For the 1st six wks. I had an 100 in that class!

Well, Courtney had her baby!  It's a boy & his name is Christian Rae Leslie!  He is the cutest thing. I think he looks like me! (Modern-day edit - that cutest thing is now two months away from being 18.  Guess how old that makes me feel!  Also he totally doesn't look like me.)  He was born 10-5-96.  Me & Mom went down on 10-10 & stayed until 10-13.  Christian always has a scowl on his face!

I sang my first solo!  I sang it at the Homecoming Chili supper on 10-18.  I don't think I did so bad.  I was shaking really bad!  I lived though.  The night before I put my hair in little braids for spirit week.  That Thursday was the soccer District Game. 

Well, I guess I've said about all I can say.  I think my pen's running out of ink!

(The rest of the journal entries can be found here: Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period.

*Made it up.  

You guys, it's getting harder and harder to come up with these fake names

So.  Apparently I took a blogging vacation.  Although I think 'vacation' is an entirely inappropriate word for what I went through last week, nevertheless I wasn't in this space.  Instead I was attempting to plan a birthday party for Sebastian.  It was exausting and probably the best party I've ever done, which may not be saying much.

But still.

He had a blast and the entire day repeatedly shouted "This is the best birthday ever!"

Totally worth the lack of sleep and extra alcohol I drank to dull the wrist pain from cutting out a million tiny clouds and trees by hand for homemade garland because I am a giant jack ass.

Anyway, more on that another day.

Today I am taking a short, 10 minute break from some freelance work I was asked to do for the newspaper (woop woop!).  My kids are only gone for a few hours and I'm not entirely sure how much I'm going to be able to get done, but at least I've got something started.

So to reward you for your patience with me as I don't write silly words here on this blog, I've got a couple of journal entries for you.  Somehow I skipped last month all together. 

The rest of them can be found here.

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July 3, 1991 (almost 10 years old)

In the day time all I did was sit around awhile after my mom got home we went to my grandparents house and then to Piggly Wiggly store.  After supper me and my sister danced around.  What a wierdo my sister is!

(What up, Piggly Wiggly?!)

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March 24, 1992 (almost 11 years old)

I got in trouble in gym today.  I said "Well that's real nice." because Mr. Ford said that if one person cut corners we all have to run more laps.  Tallulah got hit with a soccer ball in gym.  I hope she is okay.

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 Friday, March 27, 1992

I am so glad its Friday.  I am sick of school.  It seemed like today would never come. 

I want to have a boyfriend but I don't think anyone likes me.  Calypso might.  I kind of like him.  He's really cute.  I wish he would ask me to go with him.

Sally got Kadenza mad at her.  Kadenza is really, really, really, really mad.  I don't blame her Sally can be a brat sometimes.


Macaria and Tallulah are my best friends.  It's okay to have 2 best friends I think.  I hope so.

Today in School we watched a movie.  It was called "Yearling".  It was kind of boring but it was okay.

The Spring Fling is tomorrow.  Mom is setting up a booth there selling crafts.  Jeane is going to be there.

I get out of school on May 21st.

Well, that was my Friday.

Soccer didn't help me lose weight because I ate two dinners every night on account of all the running

Monday is kicking my ass, as usual.

So, to allow everyone to laugh at my expense in the hopes of making your Monday a little less shitty, here's a few journal entries.

I was 14.  Still (always) obsessed with boys.  Also melodramatic.  And kind of boring.  So maybe this won't brighten your Monday quite as much as I thought ...

(You can find the rest of the entries here.)

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2-27-96

Today was the first soccer practice.  It only lasted about 15 m in. because it started raining, lightning & thundering.  I'm so excited about playing!  All we did tonight was kick the ball around.  I wasn't as bad as I thought I'd be!  Mom left yesterday for Ohio.  She's going to come home Friday, because of the retreat (confirmation) The class lasts until March 15, 2 days before confirmation.  I already have my dress.  It's purple with flowers on it.  I really like it!  My next soccer practice is on Saturday, the same day as the retreat.  I guess I'll have to miss practice.  I really like Panko.  I'm not sure if he likes me or not.  I hope so.  I just can't go up to him & ask.  I'm a chicken!  Marigold's birthday was yesterday.  I haven't gotten her anything yet.  I think I might get her some make-up or something.  I'm tired, so I guess I'll stop writing.  

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3-19-96

We didn't have school today.  I can't believe it's snowing in the middle of March.  We don't have any electricity & haven't had any since 7:00 a.m. this morning.  I sat around all day reading.  I am so sick of reading, but there's nothing else to do.  It's 10:15 p.m. & I don't want to go to sleep yet.  I got confirmed on Sun. March 17.  It wasn't really a big deal.  About Panko, he's so in love with Edie S. that I don't think I have a chance.  Seven Spanish Angels just came on the radio.  So many memories are attached to that song.  I feel like crying.  So many things have changed since I was little.  I wish they hadn't.  Things just don't seem right, some how, I don't know really what I mean.  It's just different.  I think I might go to bed now, or read a little more.

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3-24-96

It was 70 degrees today.  I love it!  It's weird, because it's 70 degrees & there's still snow on the ground.  It'll take a while for all of the drifts to melt.  I just got done doing yoga.  I love that little book.  I am determined to lose at least 15 pounds (THE STORY OF MY LIFE, STILL TO THIS DAY!). Right now I'm between 145 & 150.  I'm hoping that soccer will help.  Every time that it starts getting warmer, I decide to turn into this natural person, like using organic things, doing yoga, things like that. (By the way, by 'organic' I meant Natural Essence shampoo.  Cause yeah, totally organic.)  I'm not really sure why.  I've decided that I'm going to live in Texas & go to college there.  I want to live where my parents did.  In a town called Liberty something.  It sounds really nice.  My parents led a really interesting life.  That's what I want.

The continuing saga of my love for Steven, in journal form

I am currently waiting for time to pick up my husband from work, the same husband who has been out of town for days but decided it would be best to just go straight back to work when he got back in town instead of coming home to say hello because he 'didn't want to confuse the children.'

I am not thrilled with this situation, but it's probably for the best because I more than likely would have spent that small amount of time trying to guilt him into blowing off work to stay home and take care of the kids so I could nap.  Not that he would have anyway, because his work ethic is something beyond anything I've ever seen.  But I would have tried.

So I've only got a little bit of time before Adele wakes up from her nap as I spent most of the time I had making apple turnovers.

Why, you ask?

Why not, I say.

(Actually they're for a get-together I'm going to tonight, but I actually can't ever think of when apple turnovers wouldn't be a welcome addition the day.  Unless you're diabetic cause these things are LOADED with sugar.)

But since I haven't posted a journal entry in awhile, I thought it was time.  This one involves Steven, so I'm going to let his name stand.  I included three entries because I didn't want to leave you hanging on the question of whether or not he really, really liked me, which consumed my thoughts.

Oh Steven.  How much my little elementary-school self loved you.

(You can find the rest of my journal entries here.

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9-8-92 (11 years old)

I 

❤ ed

STEVEN

(That doesn't do this entire page worth of hormonal angst justice.  Let's look at a picture.  Also, please notice how I wrote 'ed' after the heart.  As in, 'I loved him with all my heart and soul until he broke up with me and in order to work through my pain and also be technically correct in my journal because that's important, obviously, I will destroy my love with a hot pink pen.)

I don't really know if Steven really likes me.  On the 4th Jacinta said Jag said he only went with me because he liked my hair.  I don't really believe her.  I don't believe her.  I think she's Jealous (actually underlined that THREE TIMES but I didn't know how to do that on here.) with a capital J.

I think she doesn't think Stephen would ever go with someone like me.  I think she still hasn't gotten over him.  You see, she was going with him & he dumped her & he hated her afterward, or so she said.

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9-9-92

I really wish I knew if steven really liked me.

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9-10-92

Well, I found out if he liked me or not.  Steven broke up with me to go with Sasha.  I guess the worst part is he had Brayley come and tell me.  It really got me mad, but now, now I am overjoyed.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about Steven, Sasha, or brayley.  I'm just happy.  I'm in love with life.

Today is a day to die for.  The sky is a light-blue color.  The wind is blowing quite peaceful, not enough to get cold.  I can't see the sun from where I'm at, but I'm sure it is a pale yellow shining bright.  I'm starting to get a chill.  After I get done writing, I'm going to do my homework, out on the roof where I am.  It's been about 40 minutes since that last sentence.  I've been talking to Jade.  Her mom is practicing singing in a band.  One of the singers son is there.  his name is Michael.  He is 13 years old, & has red hair.  I haven't seen him, but I think he might be cute. 

(I've always had a thing for red headed fellas.  Or gingers, if you will.)

We mesh well, you know? He’s a part of me.

Please to be enjoying this scanned photo of a
scanned photo.  It's the first one ever taken of us. 
I used a self timer.

I was busy today, which in all honesty doesn’t happen that much.  Usually I’m begging (in my mind) for someone, anyone to come and speak adult talk to me or say something interesting, so I can say something interesting back.

Although, at this point, when someone says something interesting to me I return with “My kid ate broccoli today!”

I’m a confined, stay-at-home mother, is what I’m saying.

But anyway, today I had not one, but two visitors!  My friend Laura, who lives about 30 minutes away, had to take her daughter to the doctor and so decided to come and visit beforehand, then decided to come back after, too.  It was a fantastic visit.  Sebastian had a blast with ‘My best friend, Kaylin!” and I had a blast with Kaylin’s mama.  Adele was only a little mean, then she took a nap and so wasn’t there to smack anyone in the face anymore, or bop her brother on the arm with a little metal play pan.

(I’m still hoping that she’ll outgrow this stage soon.)

But in the middle of this visit, my mom also came over.  She hardly ever makes it this way, mostly because she works about 150 hours a week at work, then comes home and volunteers for all sorts of church-related stuff.  Also, she’s making my cousin’s fiancé’s wedding dress, which is why she was in the neighborhood.  She needed sewing supplies.

Since my mom is off all this week, she’s taking us and my nieces and nephew to the zoo tomorrow, which should be especially exciting since they have a dinosaur exhibit and Sebastian is currently obsessed with them.  That is, of course, when he’s not obsessed with his NEW! BATMAN! UNDERWEAR!  He’s easy to please, at least.

But, as it’s April, I thought we were ready for another one of my journal entries.  And I have a special treat for you.  Yes, you get a glimpse into how Christopher and I met.  This is the first time he’s ever mentioned in my journal and you are welcome.  And even though this one is a little more recent, it is no less embarrassing.  Actually, I think it might be more embarrassing.  Yes.  Definitely more.  Also, I hope you enjoy the one, continuous paragraph.  It makes reading easier, no?  It takes care of those pesky pauses and changes of thought, or whatever.

(Here’s the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth, if you are so inclined.  At some point I will try to figure out a way to put a category on my sidebar to make it a little easier to scroll through, but I am computer illiterate and that may never happen.)

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7/8/99 (12:09 a.m.)  (Two days away from my 18th birthday!)

I just had one of the worst days of my life.  I got called into work 4 hours early, so I worked 12-9 bagging.  (Present-day Jaime says I worked at a small grocery store called IGA.  It was fun, until it wasn’t.)  I’ve been working so much, and so hard lately, that I’m exhausted.  Anyway, I had to put out frozen backstock & I knocked over a big metal shelf-like thing full of ice trying to get to the backstock.  Then I had to face frozen & dairy so my hands were numb.  Then I got hit on twice by one guy who was high or drunk & by another one who thinks I have a body that won’t quict.  What the hell does that mean, anyway?  Then I ripped a huge hole in my jeans from waist to mid-thigh, so my ass was hanging out for everyone to see.  Fun, Fun, Fun.  I really hate work now.  I’m never in a good mood there.  I’m tired.  I’m in love, though.  Where did that come from?  I don’t know, I just want to write about him.  His name is Chris Thomas (Name not changed because he is far from innocent!).  We mesh well, you know?  We go good together.  Let me explain.  He saw me playing guitar at the Town by the River festival.  He thought I was interesting, & he watched me.  This was in late August or early September.  Anyway, He kind of had a crush on me.  I didn’t know anything about it.  It wasn’t like he was focused completely on me, though.  Then for Valentines day the whole school took a quiz to see who you were most compatable with, and he was first on my list.  I was like second or third on his list.  (See how nonchalantly I put that in there?  And did not include my burning jealousy at whoever was top on his list?  It shows I lied to my journal just as much as I lied to myself.)  We sat beside each other at this Army band concert @ school.  Actually his best friend Karsten (Also not an alias.  Also not innocent.) made him sit there because of his crush.  That same day he came into IGA & walked in, walked around, then left. He said he was going to strike up a conversation & ask me for my number, but he had only brought a dollar with him.  His friend Jeff Higgs (Not alias. Not innocent.)  saw me at work & told Chris where it was.  Then I found out he liked me.  I got very 7th gradish.  He had Mr. Reynolds for second block, so I would go in there to “work.”  It was stuff I needed to get done, but it got done a lot sooner than it normally would have.  I kept calling myself a stalker & laughing @ myself for it.  Everybody teased me.  Finally I got up the courage to talk to him.  Actually, Tawny made me.  She gave me the idea to find his fourth block class & talk to him.  And so I did.  I love Annual Staff!  I just went to the office & said I needed to find a student & they gave me his class.  I told his teacher I needed to see him for Annual Staff.  The first thing he said to me was “Are you stalking me?”  I was so nervous, my legs were shaking!  I told him that I had heard he was interested in me, then I got interested & if he still was did he want my number?  He did.  His hands wer shaking!  I talked to him on a Monday, then the Tuesday of the next week he asked me out.  It was March 16.  We’ve been together almost 4 months.  I love him so much, I just don’t think I can describe it.  He’s a part of me.   

Did you hear? My life was planned at 14.

It’s Monday, and my brain is mushy and I’m a little mopey,  so I think to cheer myself (and everyone else) up on a deceivingly sunny Monday that is not nearly as warm as it looks outside, let’s have another of ‘Jaime’s embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period.’

Here’s the first.  The second.  And third.

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6:30 p.m. 8-3-95 (14 years old)

I was just looking through my 8^th grade year book, and I realized that those times are gone, and I will never have them again.  I’ll never get to watch Mr. Walton’s temper go off again, I’ll never be able to complain about the cafeteria food again.  Things will never be the same.  My life as I’ve known it for the past 2 years is changed forever.  I’ll be moving on to High School.  I’ll never enter that too small building as a student.  Things in my life are changing.  I have a boyfriend, since 7-28-95.  His name is Scooter Boston.  I’m not real sure that I want to be going with him.  I just don’t know.  (Present-day Jaime says he was kind of gross and the ‘relationship’ didn’t last very long, mainly because my parents made me break up with him because he was 18.  I did not protest.  Cause he was gross.)

I’m enrolled in an acting workshop in Fort Knox that runs 8-7^th-11^th.  I’m really looking forward to it.  I’m hoping to get some acting pointers.  I really hope that I become an actress.  What I’m planning on doing is to go to college while I act.  I want to get a photography degree, so if acting doesn’t work out, I can always become a photographer.  I guess I have my life all planned out!  (Present-day Jaime says HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!)