Where's Berkely?

It's Thursday, and so I am throwing it back again.  

I was 15 and a half when I wrote this, and apparently was dealing with an internal struggle as to whether I wanted to be a well-known actress or stay at home mom.  Only one of those dreams materialized.  I'll let you guess which one.

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Sun. Feb 23, 1997 (8:38 p.m.)

I invented Selfies in my bedroom with a 35mm camera and self timer.
Also I was probably more like 17 here.  Close enough.

I guess it's been a while.  I need to write more!  I think I write that a lot.  Gosh I'm tired.  I watched my cousin on Friday.  She is so much fun!  We read a story and played with Barney.  She was a little sick, so she wasn't as hyper.  On Saturday I went to the Imax & to St. Matthew's mall.  At the IMAX we saw something on special effects.  It was neat, we saw how they blew up the white house in Independence Day.  That would be a neat job.  At the mall me & Marilla walked around.  I love that mall.  It has so much stuff.  We went into this music store.  We were looking through music books & this guy came over & told us that we weren't allowed to.  He said "This is me, I'm the jerk, welcome to jerk express."  I almost busted out laughing.  It was funny.  He was nice about it, though.  I wanted to look to see if I could play the songs.  You know, when I'm around people that I don't go to school with, I'm a whole different person.  I'm more outgoing.  Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's bad.  I don't know.  It's bad, but all I focus on is wanting a boyfriend and losing weight.  I try to stop, but I can't.  I can't wait to go to college.  Sometimes I want to be this adventurous woman who travels all over the world taking pictures, but other times I want to be the kind of woman who stays at home, taking care of kids, sewing, cooking, working on a flower garden.  My mind is just one humongous contradiction.  I wish I knew what I wanted to do.  I wonder what I'm going to be doing at this exact time in 5 yrs, 10 yrs.  

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Mon. March 3, 1997 (6:46 p.m.)

The grass is turning green!  I love it!  Maybe spring will get here afterall!  It doesn't seem like it now, though.  It's been raining a lot.  It rained Friday night, all day Saturday, and today.  they cancelled school today & tomorrow.  This is 'The Flood of '97.'  They've closed off roads.

I want to be famous.  I have this yearning deep inside of me to be something more.  I don't know what.  I guess an actress.  How will I do that?  There's got to be a way!  Maybe after High School I can go to Hollywood.  I could go to college there.  I've got to make it!  I just have to!  I want everyone to know who I am!  Jaime Ritter!  That's me!  I don't know.  Maybe that's not what I want to do.  I could be a singer.  I don't think I'm good enough for that, though.  I just want to be well known.  I want to be recognised as I walk down the street.  I want to have to have bodyguards.  anything is possible, right?  Gosh, where would I go to college?  Where's Berkely?  I think it's in San Francisco.  I've got to go somewhere, get somewhere better than I am.  I know I've got a good life here, but I want something more.  I'm only 15.  I've got time, I think.

(The rest of the journal entries can be found here: Jaime's embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period.)

Apparently my 'star' included my children wiping their dirty hands on me as that happens a lot

Well.

Everyone slept all night long and we even had to wake the kids up this morning to get them ready for the day.

Of course, that probably means that Sebastian is now sick as he never ever sleeps late and also he's taken three naps in the past week which is more than he's taken in the past two years.

However, I'm ignoring that and focusing on all the sleeping everyone has slept and how maybe it means that there will be less yelling and throwing of various items.  The verdict is still out on that one as I'm beginning to think that throwing things and yelling is just Adele's way of telling me she loves me.  Or that she's hungry.

But to celebrate the possible, maybe, keeping my fingers crossed end to sickness, I'm sharing more journal entries.

This one is full of angst.  I probably cried while writing it.

(The rest can be found here.  I encourage you to peruse them for maximum, cringe-worthy enjoyment.)

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Sat. March 8, 1997 (5:44 p.m.)  (15 and a half years old)

Maybe my isolation had something to do
with putting my hair in crazy styles to make people
laugh.  Maybe. Although we can all admit that
this style is awesome.  Right?

When I look at pictures of Mom & Dad, Me & Courtney, from a long time ago, I don't think of them as they are.  They aren't the same as we are now.  They are them, we are us.  Mom & Dad are from a totally different era.  They believed in things.  I like the "them."  But they're probably the same people.  The pictures only tell part of the story.  I perceive them the way I want to, not the way they really are.  I want to grow up.  I want to be out of High School & on my own.  I know everybody says not to wish your life away, that you'll be wishing to have your life back or something like that.  I don't see it.  Life is dull now.  Nothing happens & there's nothing to do.  I can't make anything happen.  Something has to change.  Something is out there waiting for me.  My star is up in the sky, out of my reach for now.  But some day, that star will be mine & all will be right.  I will finally be satisfied.  My wanting for something more will come to a close.  Happiness will be mine.

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Mon. March 10, 1997 (6:00 p.m.)

I don't belong.  I never have and I never will.  Spring soccer started on Saturday.  I had no idea.  I hate it!  Somebody called Eden & told her about it.  I didn't eve no, nobody called me!  It totally pissed me off!  If I start now, I'll be behind.  I don't want to be behind.  It's just one more way for me not to fit in.  Why don't I fit in?  What is it about me that is so different?  Well I am different from everybody.  That's a good thing.  But now I am excluded from things.  Do people just not like me?  Am I strange in such a way that I am shunned by people?  Why is that?  I hate this town.  I don't fit in.  I am different from everybody else.

For the record, I didn't get kissed at Sasha's party

To stop myself from complaining (again) about how crazy busy and ridiculous my life is and how whenever I try to get out of the house one of the children poops or takes their shoes off or runs away from me when I’m trying to put their jacket on or refuses to let me brush their teeth or their hair or spills my coffee and causes me to almost cry,  I thought it was time for me to post another of ‘Jaime’s embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period.’

I’ve really got to shorten that title.

It’s either this or I also complain about how my husband’s new job causes him to work late so I don’t get to go to the gym and GET OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE BY MYSELF , and also allows him to eat in fancypants restaurants WITHOUT ME and also without having to pick up food off the floor that someone has thrown down there to show that they are finished and want to be out of their high chair rightthisverysecond.

Here’s the first.  And second.

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5-18-93 (almost 12 years old)

Life is so weird.  I can’t explain the feelings inside me.  I feel like I love Napoleon & Jag.  I’m really not sure.  I also think I like Beacon.

Napoleon is cute & nice.  He’s really sweet.  He also doesn’t like me.  It’s the same with Jag.  Only I don’t really know if he likes me or not.

Beacon, I can’t really tell.  He’s cute, & he looks good without his shirt.  Beacon can be very mean & snotty sometimes, but I think thats what makes me like him.  (WISE BEYOND MY YEARS.)  He might like me but I don’t know.

You wouldn’t believe the stories I come up with (They’re all in my head though).  They are really perverted.  Well some of them.  Most of them just have kissing though.  I’ve never been kissed.  I might get my turn soon though.  Sasha’s having a party & we might play spin the bottle.  I doubt if anyone will want to kiss me though.

Everything I write about in this journal is depressing.  Nachelle is really starting to get on my nerves.  She keeps flirting with every guy & she doesn’t even talk to me. 

I don't think I got that Michael Jackson hat. Bummer.

I can’t get it together to write a real entry, much less that column that may or may not have been due yesterday or maybe it’s next Tuesday, I can’t seem to keep track but at any rate my point is I’ve got lots of life stuff I have to do which doesn’t leave a lot of time for the extra stuff that I want to do, like blogging.  And really, now is the time to focus on it more, not less, because I get at least 15 extra hits a day just from people searching for pictures of Opie from Sons of Anarchy.  Which I’m totally fine with.  I’d look at him all day long if I could. 

So I thought I’d kick off the first of the bi-monthly ‘Jaime’s embarrassing journal entries about boys she loved and also how much she wanted to get her period.’

Remember, I’m not changing anything but the names of the innocent.  I will, however, spare you from having to read the actual entry.  I got Cs in handwriting.

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7-5-92 (10 – almost 11 years old.)

I just got back from the Flea-Market. I bought a pink ice ring for $5. It is a size to big but I like it.  Next Friday is my birthday.  I’m going to have a birthday Party.  I might have a slumber party too.  I’m going to camp on the 13^th.  I think it will be fun.  Tallullah is the only other person that I know of that is going.  I think it will be fun if I get in a cabin with Tallullah  I hope I do.

I want 3 things for my birthday:  the rest of the Anne of green gables series, a hat like Michael Jackson wears, & an outfit with roses on it for $14 that I saw at the 7 dollar store.  I really, really, really want those things.

I want to go with Calypso.  He is soooooo cute.  I don’t think he likes me though.  Oh well.  I think I like Humperdink too.  I know he has said some pretty mean things to me but I can’t help it.  He’s cute to.

I really, really, really hope I get to have a party & a slumber party.  I hope I get the stuff I want for my birthday.

I should get a perm soon.  I’m absolutely, positively going to get a perm today.  I really, really, really want a perm.  I think it will look good.  (Present-day Jaime says it totally didn’t.  It really, really, really didn’t.)

It took me a looooong time to write this.

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Your welcome.

By the way, Humperdink up there is someone that I had a recurring sex dream about FOR YEARS OF MY LIFE, once a year for about 15 years.  Guess I’ve always had a thing for the bad boys.